# 25

So we have been in the process of accepting Audrey and Jack into the family as well as being accepted into their family. Audrey is Tammy’s birth mother and my new mother in law of whom we have just met (through e-mail) a couple of months ago. Jack will be the only father-in-law I will have ever met. I never had the chance to meet Tommy, Tammy’s adoptive father, may god rest his soul. We have been learning a lot about each other. For instance Audrey told us Jack had two replaced hips. This fits right well in with our family as Granny Firestone walks with a cane, my father tries to walk with UA degeneration, Irene (Tammy’s adoptive mother) has two old spinal fractures and I’ve got that crazy peg leg (cuz Thomas thinks its cool). I have also been told that I have a strong back and a weak mind. They were probably referring to the ADD. Of course there have been all those insane mysterious chancres going around that nobody can quite explain along with all the other ailments. So for Christmas I have envisioned us all getting together and hobblin’ around the Christmas tree, asking Granny Firestone to say grace over dinner and then me saying something and ruining the whole event as usual. Ahh yes, having a family is the best!
So anyhoo, I started slowly introducing Audrey to what exactly it means to be one of the women in my life. She will soon be commiserating with people like my mother who has been walking away in embarrassment since I was a toddler pretending I was somebody else’s kid. I am sure conversations will eventually come around the incident with Irene of which I have come to lovingly refer as the “Handcuff Fiasco”. Audrey will hear phrases from me that at times may sound something like “Oh my god, hear they come! Hurry getting in the car! Go-go-go!”
Last Sunday I was taking Tammy to church as it was her turn to preach. She was telling me how Father Abdulius (the parish priest) and Tammy were doing visitations the day before. Tammy noticed something scraggly sticking out of his gullet. She asked him what it was. He then informed her of the fact that he forgot and left the tab of is collar at home and he had to improvise with a piece of paper. Tammy then said “Here let me lend you an extra one of mine”. I bet Father Abdulius was thanking God that day that the Anglican Church of Bolivia admitted women clergy.
Any way as Tammy drove along she started lamenting over the passage in the 7th chapter of Romans where Paul is dealing with is primordial angst over good and evil. Verse 18-20 “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do that which is good, but I can not carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I want to do-this I keep on doing. Now I do not do what I want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Now who is dong what, Paul? I thought it Ironic as we ended this conversation that as soon Tammy pulled the car up to the curb and I opened the door to get out and go around to the driver’s seat to go home and leave Tammy at the church. When I opened the door about 3 empty beer cans rolled out my door and made a loud clanking sound on the churches parking lot. I then thought in front of the onlookers/church goers “It is not I who does this but my sinful nature”
Be that as it may I have been told that the church is now going to be sending out different people on the board to do visitations to those who have not been to mass for quite a while. Since I have not been for about oooh 6-8 months my name came up first. Tammy said that it would be a conflict of interest for her to visit me so Aquinas was chosen to do my visitation. It is a good thing that they will be sending Aquinas to visit me. I think I will have some fun with him. I plan to hit him with the old “What’s this trinity thing all about any way? It really does not make any sense to me. How can there be 3 in one? I do not like this mystery thing.” One must know that Aquinas has ADD worse than I do. So once he starts explaining the mystery of the Trinity to me I will wait till he get s half way through it and then say “Excuse me can you repeat that I was not paying attention?” Then Aquinas will have his train of thought derailed and say “What?” I will then say “I don’t know where you were?” He will say “I don’t remember.” I will then conclude “Well Aquinas it was a good visit and I am glad that you came today” He will agree with me and a good time will be had by all.
In other news, I was telling Tammy that Freddy my new male secretary was always flirting with the young ladies that come in. Then Tammy said “You know the office is a good place to meet women”. I then said “No it isn’t!” Then she said “Well not for you, but for Freddy it is.” I then started to think about it. Later I grabbed the patient sign in sheet from the day before. As I looked over it I noticed that the majority of the patients were indeed women. I then came to the realization that my office is a pick-up joint, a “meat market” if you will. I am now thinking of having a Gentlemen’s night in order to bring more guys in to balance the chemistry.
FeO2