Friday, May 14,2010, Rusty's weekend rules of engagement.

For those of you going garage sale shopping this weekend there are several things one must keep in mind:
1) You must check the classifieds the night before. This is to plan out a route through town hitting all the garages systematical. This is done using those little red stick-pin flags and a wall map of your town or city in which you reside.

2) You must have an early start. I recommend leaving early from the house at 6:30 at the latest. This is the way the dieharders do it. Of course the dieharders have already been retired for like 20 years and practice every weekend.

3) Always take one or more adolescent/preadolescent on threat on loosing video game time at the house. This is so they learn to respect our proud heritage of free commerce no matter how humiliated they may be. The typical activity for your offspring to cower in embarrassment in the back seat. One might catch them laying down on the floor board behind the front seat.

4) Apparel. There is a uniform for every part of life whether it be work, casual, or what ever. Garage saleing is no exception. Back in my day as a youth was classic/vintage double knit was apropos but the times they are a changin'. If you appear in this get-up you might be deemed to as some kinda club rager. What the trendy hip garage salers are wearing now days would be sweat pants (cut offs), white sox with black penniloafers. You top is pretty much optional but anything with lyon or pickup trucks printed on the chest would be my suggestion. This outfit works for both male or female. What ever is your choice try to make it as sporty as possible. Remember you want to let people know that this is almost a sport.

5) Lingo. Every activity not only has an atire but also has a techy language. Here will give you a few phrases to build on. "I'll give you 2 bucks for everything I can stuff in this laundry basket.", "$10 for everything I can stuff into my trunk!","Oooo an MTV 'Rock the Vote 2000 t-shirt! I voted for that sumbitch only to have him sell out for the next 8 years to them tree huggin' hippy freaks. Commie!", "Cool...a Rubixcube sticker replacement set. Does this come with a users manual?", and " Yeah, ya really got to come down at least 5 dollars on this box of National Geographics. The binding is broken. They all just flip open automatically to the pages with the pictures of the breast feeding New Guinea woman."
What you have to watch out for are statements from the the garage sellers like "They just dont make them like that anymore", "Walmart ain't had that in stalk for goin' on 3 months now!" and "Thems classic Readers Digest it has the interview with the entire casting of Perfect Strangers!"

6) Look for ways of getting into the garage sellers living room and other parts of the house. This can be done by looking for doors carelessly left open and what not. If this oppertunity presents itself you pretend to non-chalauntly wander around. Using slight of hand start grabbing stuff out off gun racks, out of the living room (diplomas, off of gun racks and family portrates) or the bathroom (cool meds, the "We don't pee in your pool..." sign, etc ). Then through all all your new found booty into a box and take it too the seller outside and say with a stern look on your face "How much for this worthless box of junk?!" The haggle them for %50 of the price. This way you can get stuff that is "exclusive" while the other chumps are outside rifling through boxes of Tupperwear lids, Raffi cassettes, used automotive parts, greasy incomplete tool sets, and portraits painted on old farm tools. Idiots!!

7) And last but not least, always take big bills preferable $100 notes. Pretend you dont have change and make the seller go down to the local convienience store to buy a twinky to break your bill. This by-the-way is a good way to get into the house while he/she is gone. wink-wink

I hope some of this information enhances your weekend garage warioring.

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"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching." Jack Handey
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." Woody Allen
Peace
FeO2
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