So why can't I get along with clergy?!? Inbox

Yesterday I went to lunch at a local reunion of all the Anglican/ Episcopalian clergy in the Bolivian diocese which was being held at the Bishops house here in Cochabamba. After lunch the bishop’s wife walked into the house with this gigantic cast on her hand. I thought for kicks I would squeeze her “cast” and ask her if it hurt. “Ha-ha” right? Well as luck would have it when I squeezed the supposed cast the bishop’s wife let out a blood curdling scream. Apparently the cast was not a cast but a bandage instead. Nothing is what it seems any more. Give me the days when a cast was a cast and sharp, shooting, exquisite pain is what it seems! Anyway the bishop’s wife started screaming and crying then all of a sudden she bent over and latched her jaws onto my arm and held this excruciating grip for what seemed to be an eternity. I really did not know what to do at this point. “What would Jesus do?” Then later I took my parents to dinner with all the priests that were united for this weekend meeting. I took my parents because my father is an Anglican priest and he did not have a ride as he was from out of town. My mother who is also an ordained deacon was part of the group. So there I am in the middle of all these priests and the bishop. Well, as any one in their proper mind would do I ordered several beers to take the edge off the pressure of the company that I was in. So after a couple of mean liters the bishop asked me how my trip went to Chile and if I had ridden any funiculars. I then told him that we had indeed ridden a funicular to the top of the center hill of Santiago to where there is a big statue of the Virgin Mary. But what I apparently said was “I went up to the virgin but I did not get up on top of her…heh-heh…hiccup!” At this point I felt my parents sphincters tighten from 8 feet away and one of the younger priest dropped his head to the table and lost himself in uncontrollable laughter. Unfortunately he was the only one that really laughed. Their were two other priests that gave up a couple of nervous snickers and everybody else was silent. The Bishop then looked at me sideways and said “Amen brother.” As if to say “It’s a good thing you did not!” If Gym would have been there he would have been right proud of his little bastard. Steady as she goes! FeO2

An afternoon at the matinee with short people

Yesterday marked the last full day I would be without my wife alone with the kids. Tammy has been gone to California visiting one of the MIL units (Mother in Law) as they seem to be a plethora of them around as of late. Last Thursday my good buddy Christina took Thomas my oldest to the theater with her eldest Niko to see “The Golden Compass”. Her youngest, little Jake and my youngest, “Taddlein’ Madelyn” were both deemed to small to see the movie as they would get scared. So I became the man in charge while Christina went to see her movie while taking along her 2 excuses to get in as an adult. Of course I had absolutely no problem with this as the maid was the one who would be in charge half of the time cuz that day I got home from the office around 6:00. So when I finally did get home I had complaints of how unfair it was that the older ones got to see a longer movie than they did and that their video ended a long time ago. As if the THREE older ones started to watch their movie as soon as the door closed behind them. The next morning when I was at the gym I looked through the papers to see if there were any other kiddie movies so I could fight the reported injustices that were delt to these poor marginalized people as I have always championed the short. So I found that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or as they say around here “Alveen y las Ardillas” was showing. Now I know what you are thinking right about now “Sure Rusty…a movie for the kids...riiight.” Well think what you must, but I will say one thing in my defense, it is a lot easier taking kids to movies that you will enjoy than taking them to stuff you have to suffer through Pokemon for example. Besides it really was the Maddy and Jakes turn. So Saturday late morning Jake, aka Jakey, aka “el Juaquo” (pronounced “whoo-ǒ-ko”, I think I am the only one who calls him this….were buds) and Maddy both 6 set off for the their part of the great South American dream, their slice of the pie if you will. So we got the theater a half hour late and ended up buying tickets for the next function which left us with about 45 minutes to kill. We were pretty close to lunch time so I decided to take the kids to the food court. When I sat them down Maddy started to pound her little fists on the table and chant a chant which she learned from Grandpa Jack aka “Um-papa” (pronounced “oom-papa”) on our last visit to the US “Food and water-for me and my men, food and water….”which upon reception of her hamburger she had four bites and announced she was done and turned around in her seat. This would be because everybody knows that there is always much more interesting things going on behind the table chair than what is in front of it. I had to force feed her half of the sandwich. So about fifteen minutes later we got into the theater and both kids started to demand popcorn. Hmm. They presented a good argument though and this was that they wanted it! Who can argue with that! So they got a medium to share? We all headed to the ‘’sala” where at the door both kids grabbed their booster chair (for maximum enjoyment of the cinematic arts as needed by vertically impaired people). As I sat them down by each other I fitted the popcorn cup into the cup holder between them with an ominous feeling about the immediate future. About half way through the film and a third the way through the popcorn a little leg shot forward which was about the same level as the pop corn thanks to my friend the booster seat and knocked the popcorn cup on to the floor. When I picked it up I was only able to salvage the last third and replace it to its original position. Well the smacking and chomping sounds continued as Alvin and his consortium sang on. Around about the 18th stanza I noticed both Juaquo and Maddy were now on their feet and every now and then making quick dips and bows but never staying down to long as not to miss a musical note. It was kinda like that game at Chuckie-Cheeses where gophers heads pop out of their little holes and you whack them with the padded mallet all the while learning valuable lessons of environmental conservation. Of course there was nothing to pop these kids in the head with so I just sat there and let them continue building the flora in the GI Tracts. So a good time was had by all. Later, on the way home I had to stop by the office to pick something up. So of course both children went in with me. This was apparently little Juaquos first stop by my office so upon walking into the reception room he was dually impressed when he saw my bicycle leaning against some seats (as I often ride my bicycle to work). Jakey said to Maddy: “Wow! There’s a bicycle” Maddy: “Yah, my daddy rides it when Mommy won’t let him drive” Any way they followed me back to the consult room as children this age just do not stay put. Then Little Juaquo got this smug look on his little face and started smack his little hands together as if he was dusting them off and said “So…this is where the doctor works ay.” The response was “Yup, when he is not singing with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore” Which by the way is not such a bad film if you like singing gerbils. Have a great week! FeO2

Don't never got no brain or nothing

On Jan 5, 2008, at 1:23 PM, Rusty As you can see from the title of the blog this was the motto for this last holiday break which all-in-all turned out quite well. It started out with a church Christmas party in which I almost had to pull Johnnie (my secretary) out of a fist fight with the “Padre”. Apperently Johnnie is thinking that since he has been playing racquet ball with the Bishop and taking racquet ball blows to the back of the head with out complaining that he has some kind of special relationship with the powers that be. Any way I made Johnnie promise that if I bought those beers for him before the church Christmas party that he would behave. As folly would have it during the party Johnnie got his bad-ass look on his face and walked by the Padre and bumped his shoulder into the padre’s unsuspecting shoulder. The problem is that Johnnie is just way too cool. So we also went to Florida for the actual holidays to be with the in-laws Jack and Audrey. You remember Florida is the state where the ex-president of Bolivia Gonzalo Sanchez de Lozada has been gone missin’ for a while now. Sumbitch that he is! This was very nice visit, of course, all though slightly uneventful. But there was the occasion when I got up to do my 2am feeding as often is the occasion is when I do not sleep around that time and I went to watch some TV. Well there I was watching the tube and I noticed the light get turned on in the kitchen and Jack went into the kitchen to do something. I did not really do much as I saw Jack go in and out (as I was in the middle of John Candies “Uncle Buck”) then wave “good night” as he went back to bed. Then the next morning at breakfast Jack looked at me and said “Sorry about last night.” My response was “What are you talking about?” “Well…the fact that I did not have any clothes on.” “Hm, I really must start paying attention to these types of things.” Once again I will be blaming the ADD on this one. But it does make me wonder how just how much nudity has actually missed in the past. I mean not everybody is just going to come up to me and prompt me “Hey buddy! I’m completely naked in front of you right now.” Although it would be helpful. Then holiday travel is always a hoot! Tammy after Florida went to visit Irene her mother and I came home to Bolivia with the kids. At the airport Tammy was stressed to make her flight and America Airlines were not helping in her situation. She got so mad that she started showing her teeth, saying words, and bobbing her head up and down so her hair was flying all over the place. She kinda looked like a 80s head banger. Anyway she got off on her flight on time and left us standing at the counter. So wen it was my turn the woman working there sweetly told me that my flight was canceled and that if I wanted to make my international flight connection out of Miami I would have to go over land. So I grabbed the kids got a car and hugged Jack and Audrey goodbye and was off. After a trip from mid state Florida to Miami (and let me remind you that it is a long state) while driving at Hazard county speeds I still missed my international flight. So I had to re-accommodate to the midnight flight. When it was all said and done with I left for Bolivia about an hour after I was supposed to get there. I wish Tammy could have been there to head bang for me as I do not have the hair it requires. When we finally got back to Cochabamba we were hit with the news that “Jack” the family, cat had just pooped out 2 new cats! The kids were of course ecstatic. But I was just left with 2 questions in my head: A) Jack’s old enough to be having kittens? B) Jack’s a female? Damn ADD! FeO2

Toils and troubles

On Dec 13, 2007, at 8:33 PM, So I lost my car today……again. I walked out of the office this am to run some errands and I looked around to find my car and it was no where in sight. Then I retraced my steps and walked all the way back to the gym where I found it right where I left it. Apparently I left the gym this morning and walked to the office instead of getting into my car which I had driven to the gym. I swear I think my ADD is getting worse. Several other things happened to me to make my mornings more difficult. So with this in mind came up with a couple of things not only for me to do but for you when you have a bad day: First you can think about redecorating as I am planning on doing at my in-laws new house. I decided to go with the big lips shaped couch that will be set right beside that hand shaped arm seat. There will be a big plug-in neon flashing poster of an 18 wheeler to go on the wall behind the couch. That bad boys gonna burn all night long baby! Then there is the antique Zenith TV converted into an aquarium that will be filled with man-eating fish. And we definetly can not forget the old thread worn 1970’s plaid love seat with the holes worn into most of the cushions. These pieces of furniture are the best as you can always find change and old stale corn chips under the cushions after long make out sessions. Or if you are like me and have been alone all week it would be long TAKE out sessions. Or is it a long make IT out sessions when you are all by your self? Second would be for you to join me in making fun of my best friends (Chris) new blog. I have been making myself feel better by uploading “mocku-posts”. I suggest that you try it cuz it really does make you feel better. http://www.andeanairwaves.blogspot.com The last thing you can do to make your self feel better is to check out this new G. W. Bush gallery. It will be sure to put a smile on your face.

Allegations and other questionable truths

On Nov 11, 2007, at 8:29 PM, I wasn't tryin' to put no "skinny" on Oprah. Alls I's sayin' is the girl needs a few stripes in the wall paper behind her, well.... that and a reinforced floor underneath her. Heh-heh! I hope that Dave and Sally have a good strong floor. I suggest concrete. A'yhoo you know how the ephedrine, aspirin and caffeine actually have the exct opposite affect on me than calming down. But those little pills are so funny looking! But then again you are being the cruel one by trying to put the skinny on Evo with the "fat guy documentary" comment. I guess it is ok for South American presidents to be poked in the belly but not no Gringas! I see how it is. FeO2 Lemel wrote: Now - don't go messing with Saint Oprah!!! She don't need no skinny, she's perfect however she happens to be at the moment!!! I never would have thought you would participate in the skinnyization of American women. Go take some effedran and calm youself down. All Evo needs now is his very own fat guy mockumentory outlining his politico-social-grammer exploits! Rusty wrote: Quotable quote: -All men can be reached by flattery, even God can. (What, after all, is prayer?) -All men can be led to believe the lie they want to believe. -All men can be corrupted, each in his own way. Niccolo Machiavelli So I just finished a book that belongs to a friend of mine who does not even know that I have the book.. I have heard through the grape vine that this friend reads this book on a yearly basis. Odd! It is a good book but I think I have only read a couple of books twice in my life. The title is “The Secret of Santa Vitoria”. It is about this little town in Italy that has been growing grapes and making wine for thousands of years. The time of the book is set in the early forties during the WWII era. The story is of how the people of the town hide half a million bottles of wine from the German army who have come to confiscate it for the Reich. It is an interesting tail of different views of truth and how these views work for the best of the community and the conservation of tradition and leadership. I also went and saw a Bolivian National movie called “Evo Pueblo”. It is basically the life story of Bolivia’s current leftist indigenous president Evo Morales. The cinematography is good as well as the music. But the problem is that they paint him out to be such a nice, sweet, sensitive, and slightly shy guy. Funny they mention nothing about his syndicate boss type leadership which is rumored to be quite brutal. Anyway, as far as the movie goes I will have to give it the same critique that Tammy gave “Harry Potter”. It complete lacked cool car chase scenes, sexy love scenes although there was the part where they showed a drunk Evo going around womanizing a bunch of cholita women. But by my standards this really did not classify as sexy. There was absolutely no Karate or martial arts of any kind. Unless you want to consider a bunch of evil looking soldiers kicking Evo in the head a form of martial art. There were no cool battle robots any where to be seen. I guess what would have made the movie better is if at the end Evo would have pealed off a mask to reveal he was really Goerge W Bush. Now that would have been a rye twist a la “Usual Suspects” but perhaps everybody would have seen that one coming. But it is a good movie to create the cult of personality that every socialist leader needs to endear him to the masses. A few in the list that were popular for doing these type of things would be Mao, Stalin, Castro, and even Hitler with “Mien Kompf”. So I have just come to calling the movie “Evo huevo” Now moving on to other things I have finally decided to reveal to you the life and times of my good buddy Rev. Gym. Here we have compiled a sort of time line of his life. This is so one can understand different aspects of R.G. as he is further brought up in future blogs. So with out further ado: The Life and Times of Rev. Gym -circa 1962 Born. Sired by “Waldo” the webbed foot circus performer from Czechoslovakia who impregnated a local-yokel young lady in Western Australia on his third “World Victory” tour. His tour stops included some small piss-ass village in the Czech Republic; Perth, Australia; Branson, Mo; and Lodi CA. They say he met his end somewhere in Idaho from some strange ailment he picked up in Mongolia or was it the Midlands, England? 1962-1967 It is said he was raised by wild dingo’s in the Australian Out Back. 1967-1970 Enrolled in the French Foreign Legion ROTC in the City of Perth. 1978 moved to Southern California, USA for rumors of constant run-ins with the Australian food and drug administration for trying to find a cheap substitute for vegemite. 1980 Lost his virginity to a wild-eyed hobo woman in the LA river wash way after she promised him the “world and all the gold he could eat’ 1981 R.G. had legal problems as he tried to claim the copy rights to the Cama Sutra based on his experiences in the LA River. 1984-88 was on a series of previously mentioned (in other bogs) television game shows in which he won considerable amount of money only to squander the money on lawyers 1990 Gym was ordained by the Church of the Holy (whatcha-ma-call-it) in Modesto California via mail to order out of the news paper where by earning his tidal Rev. His states that he wanted to do this because it was his life dream to perform a mass babtism. Who can blame him? Currently he lives as my neighbor here in Bolivia raising South American gerbils for the purpose of games of chance. He is also very athletic. Right now he is training and tanning for is first Ultimate Cage fight for which he will be going to Las Vegas for next februrary. He promised me when he gets back from his trip he will let me go mask shopping with him you know those things that fit tight around ones skull and make your lips pooch out the mouth hole.. I am going to try and get him to go with the blue with gold tubing. If you have noticed any glaring omissions they will be brought up in future blogs. They can also be addressed by comments from me and/or the readers. I would also like to welcome Dave and Sally to the blog list. Apparently they have been chosen to be finalist in the Oprah Winfrey “Cool House Contest” or something. This is a house that Dave and Sally built together. We all hope that this goes really well for Dave and Sally as they deserve to win. Perhaps they can make Oprah look thinner when she comes over for dinner after they win the first prize by my simple suggestion. I suggest whatever room Oprah is going to be filmed in that Dave and Sally put up wall paper with longitudinal stripes. It will make her look really skinny good. Seriously though we all wish you the best. Record the show for us as we do not get Oprah on this edge of sanity…. I mean the planet. FeO2