# 21

The science of holding an adjacent individual..
There are two optimal locations on the human body for which to hold another as they fall asleep The first is the space where the proximal bicep muscle and the distal deltoid muscle intersect and the second is where the proximal deltoid and the and the lateral part of the pectoralis major muscle intersect. These two areas form a natural cradle between muscle bellies for the human cranium of another individual to settle on comfortably. That is comfort for both parties involved in the activity (or lack of activity). One must bare in mind that these two locations only work if the gleno-humoral joint (shoulder) is in an abducted-externally rotated position. There is one other location that is worth mentioning that functions as well and that is the cubital fossa (front of the elbow) with the arm basically in the same position.
This morning I woke up before anybody else in the family as I usually do with the sun. I went down stairs to see if anybody else was stirring. Nobody was until my movement woke up my 5 year old daughter. She was up like a bolt of lightening. I went into her room and told her that I was going to go back to sleep on her bed since she was not using it any more. She then proceeded to inform me that this activity was definitely prohibited in accordance to the mommy laws that were set into enforcement on the basis that no one should be getting into bed with dirty clothes on. I then informed Maddy that I had just put on my clothes and that they were clean. But Maddy as the marshal of her room would not be dissuaded by mere technicalities. So I was obliged to remove my person from her location of evening retirement.
Soon after this I was further informed by the girl of what she expected to be served for her post nocturnal meal. I agreed and told her that we need to inform her brother of these for planned events.
I opened Thomas’ door and said gently “Good morning Thomas”. At which I received no reply. I then crawled onto the top bunk where he was still silently slumbering and lay beside him and gave him a slight nudge at which he responded by lifting his head and moving it toward me. For some reason I responded out of reflex and extended my arm and his head came to rest on my shoulder.
I was hit all of a sudden by a flood of memories. Thomas’ infancy began to relive itself. I realized that I had not held Thomas like this in probably what had been perhaps five years. I was taken back to the South American sub- tropical city of Santa Cruz on a misty-humid dusk. Here I am holding a baby on my shoulder while sitting crossways in a hammock. The baby is wiggling as babies usually do when they are tired and slightly fussy. The child eventually falls into a deep sleep on my shoulder as the hammock swings back and forth. He seems to gain two pounds as his little body finally relaxes into a little human pile on top of me. At this moment there is nothing else in the world that seems to exist at that accept me and him.
I don’t know how long I maintained this state of weightlessness but it was not long till the little Marshal came in and popped my bubble. This was done by her informing me in a no non-sense manner that she was hungry and had waited quite long enough for her meal.
Sometimes the day ends before if begins.
FeO2

# 20

I must say that one can not celebrate ones sons birthday with out the aid of Taquina. It is interesting how different people handle their beer. For instance my friend (we shall call him Mr. Offwhite or Offy for short to protect his privacy) Offy has this thing for tinkering. He is a mechanical engineer you know. Anyway after Offy had a couple of beers in him he comes up to me and says “Hey bloke you would not happen to have any music for me to shake my behind to would you?” I then told him that the receiver was not working and Offy then got this excited gleam and said with a light shinning in his eye “Would you mind if I had a go at it then?” I then said “No”. In two minutes Offy had the receiver on the table in pieces. Me and my other friend (I will now change my friend Jims name to Gym in order to protect his privacy) Gym with beers in hand started to heckle Offy in the form of technical advice. “Hey Offy did you check those power cup plinks?” Or “Those current converters must be down.” and “That Tesla unit seems a bit dusty let me plug the thing in so you can lick it clean”, So at the end of all this banter Offy gets up and says “Yep this buggers broken for sure. Better have a professional look at it.”
Later that same evening I finally went out and saw the new James Bond after the party. As always it must be seen with a bunch of guy friends to make it a memorable experience. Anyway they gave us more of a thug type personality in this last one. For instance when the bar tender asks him how he wants his martini he says “How ever the hell you want to make it! Instead of “Shaken not stirred”. Also he did not quite fit into that suite like other James Bonds did, it looked like it was strangling him. You would think that the rough and tumble would have lasted the whole movie but the writers did not stay true to this casting. They had Bond rough and tumbling through the most of the movie until HE FELL IN LOVE! This has not happened since “In Her Majesties Secret Service”. My friends and I of course protested by yelling “Give him another swat in the balls with that rope thingy!” in hopes that he would come to his senses. But alas no such hope was to come to fruition. Speaking of swatin’ in the balls, everyone knows that Roger Moore (God rest his soul) could have taken at least two more that this last guy did. The other thing that Gym pointed out is that we saw this guys skin more that we ever saw any girls. This is just not right as far as 007 movies go. Also there were no gadgets accept for his crazy first aid kit that seemed to have a whole O.R. in it. What’s next in this line of movies? Band-aid communication devices? Laser catheters? Exploding colostomy bags? The truth serum/analgesic suppositories that double as bullets for that little gun of his? (Now there is a way that you can get bullets on the airplane these days) Jet propulsion breast pumps? I do not know how to put my thumb on this one. Up or down it is your choice.
In other news the bananas are back after their end of the year hiatus. I went into the gym the other day and my trainer asked what we were to do that day and suggested “back”. I made the mistake of saying out loud “No we did that yesterday, today we should do arms.” Not knowing that one of the bananas, Sandy was right behind me she used this info to her advantage. So 1 second later I got a slap on the back. Oh my god! I could never be a 007 agent. I do not deal with pain that well. Any way later on when my trainer was dealing out some more pain of his own, Patty (Sandy’s twin sister) pointed to me and said “Hey Sandy, that’s Rusty, the one I was telling you about!” Then Sandy said “I know I already slapped him on the back this morning. He cowers like a baby. Ha-ha-ha!”
Dulce and Lulu are also back. As the matter of fact Lulu came strutin’ by the other day with her new “I (heart) NY” t-shirt on that her boyfriend brought back from his vacation in the US. She turned to me and said “Hey Rusty you’re a gringo what do you think of my new T-shirt. I complemented her on it. Then she strutted away. You could tell that she was loving New York!
FeO2

# 19

Yesterday was one of those days. But there have been a few rays of light. I have found that it is mostly the simple things that keep me going.
Yesterday afternoon there was a light seasonal rain. On my way home from the office I noticed how clear the air was that I was breathing. I was on a road on which I could see the whole valley. As I looked across the valley I saw a that the rain had actually left a cap of snow on the mountains that surround me. There is some kind of sanctity in mountains. This had a soothing effect like a mother caressing a child.
Today I came into the office. There was a chart on my desk of a new patient waiting for me. I looked at the chart and saw that the first name on it was Epiphany. I walked out to the waiting room and saw a little old lady sitting there and said “Is your birthday tomorrow?” She smiled and said “Yes”. She was so beautiful
FeO2

# 18

I must say that I did have a great birth day. I spent the majority of it just hanging around the house doing garden work. This included but was not limited to trimming, cutting, and chasing squirrels and guinea pigs with a weed eater. All the while giggling like a little school girl. . “You bes’ run boy!”
I know with this last birthday I have many people to thank and I know I will miss the majority of you. So if you see yourself missed please know I think of you and I just can’t get you all in one message. The first volley goes out to Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Tammy for the really cool new I-pod. Also Mom and Dad for the literal ton of wood and grandma for sending it up. I refer to the beuitiful Spanish style wood gates that will eventually be set up at the front entrance car port to the property once I get a construction crew out here. Again! Also thanks Grandma for the air tickets. We had a really good time. I also want to thank Chris for the eye-popping 2 and a half gallon bottle of Johnie Walker! I do not think any will be able to “Keep on walking” after this on. Before this I had only heard of this fabled bottle through the grape vine from my friend Tyson. It is Tysons fantasy to become a monk and shut himself in a room with a bottle of J.W. and write (Or was it Jack Daniels?). So for his birthday several weeks ago his wife gave him one of these. As for me I was like Thomas and Maddy the night they went to bed with their Christmas gifts. I took my giant bottle to bed with me and curled up around it. Rob if you are lucky I just may save you a shot! But the rest is mine! When I am finished with the bottle (in a couple of weeks) I am going to mount it on the wall like a trophy deer head. I also want to thank Andrea for the lesson that size makes no difference. I really love my little teeny-tiny, have-ta-squint-ta-see cactus. Lets see how much this thing will grow this year. Thanks to Jim and Christina, but mostly Jim for almost getting us kicked out of that kiddy park in Santa Cruz for trying to sneak in beer. I have not seen anybody get cought so much since I was in Highschool. That is the last time I am going to lend you my back-pack for contraband….for a while. I can not forget Leah. Thanks for the other bottle. It is very nice and classy and I will save it for a special occasion. I would like to take a breather here and say that that the world is a much happier place when all my friends are competing for my love. You know I love all of you! To keep a steady pace I want to thank Jack and Audrey for the choir of “Happy birth day” and all the cool videos. And my special message to them is “We live in a time of wonders and miracles where love traverses not only the years but also the blackest of oceans.”
I also want to thank all the well wishers that have been and are still sending e-mails and making phone calls from in town, in country, and around the world. You all know who you are. Whether it has been a happy birthday or just calling me a “potty head”! Thanks Blair this is the first time that it has been put quite that way cuz I usually get potty mouth. But it stands to reason if one is writing and not talking it would be “potty-head”.
I feel I also have to thank Angus and the boys for asking the truly important questions. Indeed, who did make who?
Since my last e-mail I have gotten a couple of responses. They have been mostly “Well that was last year, what about 2007? Do you have any new year resolutions?”. Well I am here to say “As the matter of fact I do.” Here they go:
1) I plan to gain a clean 20 lbs this year.
2) I want to do some more traveling this year.
3) I am going to try to get out of my bad habit of nude house cleaning. I will first take it in parts. First I will just stop house cleaning then later work on the nude part!
4) And…AND I may or may not be able to get rid of that rash that I picked up last June when I was in the quad city area. I blame the origin of this on one of two possible sources. One Ginny’s cats and two Jason Boehmes couch on which I slept on the night after I saw him pass out naked on the night before. Just for the record never was there an instance in which we were both on it together. I think.
I do see the response of god in me through you my community and my family.
Thank you, I love you all
Rusty

I was chewed out because I forgot to mention my favorite gift in my last e-mailing. This was when I went to the airport to pick up my family from their trip to Grandma and Grandpas. My five year old daughter came running out of baggage claim with an airline snack box beaming and saying “Happy birthday Daddy!” I took the box and found a delicious airline sandwich in it. Thank you Maddy! It is interesting to mention that there are rumors that there was originally a cookie in the box as well that did not quite make it to me. Of course this is just a rumor that has not been confirmed.
FeO2

# 17 Thoughts on 2006

When I think back on 2006 three personalities pop up that will particularly remind me of the year. (At least at this particular moment):
The first of these people would be my good buddy Philip (pronounced feleep). He was one of my Quebec students who came down on a mission trip this year with “Chiropractors with out Borders”. Any way I remember Philip because he is the master of translation. I remember one evening when we were at dinner I was leading conversation which was of course focused around politics, philosophy, and the arts when I was asked to tell one of my witty jokes. Of course I obliged. So I stood up and asked for a translator in which Phillip gladly accepted the invitation. So as started telling my tales of humor (which others with no culture at all have told me that they are childish chuckles filth) and would break every now and then for Phillip to catch up with his French translation. As I watched the man translate I was amazed by the orgasmic passion that would cross his face as he would relate my joke in his own native tongue. His body would contort and convulse in a way that would put a Shakespearian actor to shame. It took me back to a awhile back when I visited a southern Afro-American church and watched a preacher preach the gospel with an organ playing in the background. The preacher had the whole congregation convinced that the fires of hell were at the door steps of the church for those who did not repent. Phillip was truly an artist.
The next personality was that of the same group. Her name was Isabel. The particular event that comes to mind a conversation in which we had. This was one when we were driving into town for an interview with a local TV station. I asked her for her complete name so I could introduce her to the interviewer. This was a big mistake! She pronounced her beautiful French name with such elegance one could not help but be awed. I then said “aw’ll jis say “Isabel” cuz awe caint pronunce that-un’” Then she said “No, no, try to say it”. Of course then with my stubby North American English speaking tongue I slaughtered her surname. She then looked at me with the spear like eyes of an eloquence teacher and calmly said “You are not getting out of this car until you learn to pronounce my name correctly.” I then protested but she won and I then started on a journey of countless attempts on a good French pronunciation. I was eventually reduced to a male pile of rubble before her tower of femininity. Luckily later I was able to make a truce so that further attempts would be made later only just to escape this Canadian Amazon! Even so I smile when I think of her.
The next personality would be an unlikely one. This story begins when I was back in the Quad-city area visiting friends and staying with my gracious hosts Ginny and Ron Orud. To be honest I do not remember if it was really early in the morning after I had just awoke or if it was just at dusk when I was sharing a bottle of Grants scotch with Ron. But in both cases I was in the same neurological state. I remember hearing a sort of rustling sound coming from the screen door witch enclosed the Oruds closed in back porch. I looked down to see one of Ginny’s cats, we will call him “Ludwig” (sometimes names are changed to protect the innocent). Any way I witnessed little Ludwig with his little arms stretched in a crucified position across the screen with only his little cat finger nails holding them in place, looking very much like a priest lying prostrate for ordination, accept upright. He had his little triangular ears pointed forward and was intently studying some other little critters while they played. This reminded me of an ole Far Side comic of the little cat staring out the window and watching all the cats playing and having fun while the poor little cat inside had to stay put and practice the violin which he was holding in the picture. Yes Ginny is a strict mother to her cats. But everybody knows that this is for their own good. Ginny has to be a tough disciplinarian to prepare them to go out into the world. That is if they can ever get past that darn screen door! Later I then saw another cat walk into the room behind Ludwig. I think his name was Wormwood or something. He just sat there and shook his head as poor Ludwig who was driving himself to the edge of sanity.
So the personality awards for 2006 go to (drum roll) Phillip, Isabel and Ludwig the cat. Congratulations!!!! Bet ya did not see that one coming.
Now comes the time in this e-mail for which I anguish the passage of time. Oh my God! I’m only six years away from being forty!!! I never thought this day would come.
I have always imagined myself to grow old gracefully. To retire to egg sandwiches and baseball. (Which by the way the Dodgers did pretty good this year. They finished at the top of their division.) Maybe I can be one of those sexy 40 year olds I always see on TV. Hmm…Probably not. I am more on my way to becoming an old colostomy bag. You know the guy who the kids in the neighborhood love to ghost knock on his door because they always get a crazy reaction when he comes to the door. “If it were not for this swollen prostate and these sagging Depends adult diapers I’d come out and whack you with this stick! Dern burn it!” Or like that guy from the movie “Little Miss Sunshine” when he gets caught snorting heroine, “I’m an old man for Gods sake” all the while giving really bad ad
vice to youngsters. Well..maybe not that far… but you know I’ll be crodgidy.
Well Happy New-Year to all if you have not yet heard it from me.
FeO2

# 16

Last Night I went to a dinner Christmas party. It was pretty big. There must have been about 100 + people there.
Among the socializers I noticed a young lady that I had gotten to know through the Palmer chiropractic visits. She was a beautiful young woman university age, that had helped translate on several occasions. The big thing that I noticed was that she was pregnant. I also knew that it had to be an unwedded situation. I could also see that there was some discomfort in the air around her as she socialized with the people around her. I saw people greet her and smile and talk all the while averting their eyes from her amazingly swollen belly. I said to myself “This is re-goddamn-diculous”. Of course for those who know me well socially awkward situations seem to draw me in. It is a strange affinity. So I walked up to her directly and said “Oh my God, this is one of the worst cases of parasites I have seen for quite a while!” She smiled and her buddy that was sitting right next to her proceeded to inform me with eyes wide open that she was pregnant. “Well duh!” Then I proceeded with great tact “Well you know the great thing about this pregnancy?” And the young mother responded “What?”. “That this child is definitely not mine!” The young woman gave me a slap on the arm and all had a good time. Humor was good in this situation to help let the young woman know that most of us accepted her decision to carry on with her pregnancy. To let her know that we as a community thought she had made a good decision and that we support her and we are not embarrassed by her.
Laughter has a great quality for healing and social integration. It breaks ice and brings people together. That is why I have always said that seriousness is taken all together too seriously. In fact I read somewhere that Aristotle, one of the most important philosophers of all time, is said to have completely dedicated his second book on poetics solely to laughter. I think the fact that he felt so strongly about this that he invested such a considerable amount of time to the subject is quite amazing. I believe that we lost touch with many of these notions somewhere along the line. I am willing to bet that in western society it happened in the dark ages. Where people developed a severe religion that drove people into such humility and seriousness that they covered there heads and faces with cowls and refused to look up to the sky and the sun out of fear that there was a horrible god that would strike them down. And that is probably where the tragedy set in and they then lost the laughter of the ancients. I think today we are just now starting to come out, see the sun and know that laughter is a good thing.
It is like what another famous humor philosopher Mike Myers (Heh-heh!) once said. “Humor is a series of islands. Life is just swimming from one island to the next”. Swimming is very enjoyable and one of the best exorcizes there is. It keeps us in shape and it keeps us going. But the island gives us rest and hope for the next swim.
It is also important to remember that merriment is to laugh copiously (a Rusty definition)! So know when somebody wishes you a “Merry Christmas” they are wishing you copious laughter.
Merry Christmas!
FeO2

# 15

So I have been working out at this gym for a little while now and it has become an interesting experience. I have now been accepted in this little community which has its good and bad elements. For instance I have been included in the Christmas drawing which the gym has put together. I have also been included in the Christmas card signing and exchange.
But there are other parts that are not so good. For the most part the guys respect each other in the gym. But it is the girls that are the problem. Worse yet are the little college girls. They all sort of hang around each other in a little yellow group of bananas. Once they get to know you they think that they have license to say anything they want. So today the trainer put me on a machine close to the group of bananas (which was a cruel and inhumane act in and of itself) and loaded me to the gills with weight . So all the while I am struggling there with whatever the trainer was doing to me I have this constant annoying itch in one ear “Oh, come on Rusty you can do it! You’re a big boy don’t give up! Ha-ha-ha-ha.” They said this all the while puckering their faces into ludicrous falsehoods of sympathy as they practiced their treacherous womanhood. “Good set Rusty, obviously it’s the tattoo that’s doing it for ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha! I need to get me one too. Heh-heh.” I kept on wishing that the group would move on to a different station but they persevered “Why is your face all red Rusty? If that is too hard, maybe you should work out with Dulce today. She’s doing legs. Its only a 250 pound squat! Ha-ha-ha!”
Of course all of the guys tend to run and hide while there is one guy who is getting badgered. It is too risky to hang around the bananas once they get going. There is a danger of becoming a target yourself. It is a herd type mentality, when one goes down you just keep running and thank God that it was not you who went down. So I was left to myself to shoulder the brunt of fained sympathy and severe femininity.
I would have picked up a dumbbell and thrown it at these diabolical vixens but the effects of the “Gym Polio” (an actual scientific diagnosis, by the way) were starting to set in and muscle failure was imminent. The bananas are not stupid. They’ll find you at your weakest point and prey on you. Resistance is futile!
I have also learned not to talk about previous workouts that have left me sore the day after because if one or more of the bananas gets wind of this weakness these evil ones will use it for their own evil feminine purposes. Instances have been documented where one will jab a finger right into the belly of a muscle swollen with lactic acid. This of course this will send the poor male that is attached to said muscle into a recoil of pain. These people are indeed criminal.
I will not even start with the grandmas in the gym. They tend to be the fondlers. But here in Latin America respect for age is much stricter. You kind of have to let the grandmas do as they please.
FeO2