7th of March, 2008 Drugs-drugs-drugs!

Johnnie, my secretary, was slightly limping around the office this am. I did not have to ask him what was up as he has recently been complaining about this pain he has been having in his ankle. Every chance he has had he has been lifting his pant leg to show me how he has been suffering. I gave him several recommendations but as usual he ignored me. So this am I heard my last complaint and I told him to lie down on the table face down. I told him to loosen his drawers. His eyes got really big and he looked at me with disbelief. Then I had to order him. At which point he proceeded to get down on the table. I took out a syringe and an anti-inflammatory and started the process of drawing the medication.
He then looked at me and said “You are so calm when you do that.”
I said “That is because it is not me who is lying on the table, heh-heh.” So when I finally got around to the harpooning part I was surprised to see and feel how easy the needle just slid right into Johnnie’s ass. I was expecting the skin to resist a little more than it did. Another thing that I noticed is that Johnnie had really smooth and soft buttocks. Who would a thunk it!?!? Anywhoo, Johnnie got off the table fastened his belt and went back to his desk. I said “Como esta la nacha ahora?” He didn’t say much. The next time he came back to give me a file I noticed his slight limp had turned into a severe and pronounced limp. But I have not heard a single complaint from him for the rest of the day. So I may conclude that the therapy was a success. Yeah!
In other news early this am before I went to the office for work I went down to visit Don Alfredo my neighbor and close friend. When I got there he started to tell me how his last renter grew this crazy plant and that he just found out it was a marijuana plant. Oddly enough for all his being aghast over the situation he had not thrown the plant away or destroyed it. I said to him after noticing this “Alfredo, why you are just letting this plant go to waste….I mean it is just sitting there drying up. Doesn’t it have some kind of use or something?”
So I am sure that all of you are wondering what exactly I will be doing this weekend. Well since Ginsberg my black lab has gone into heat I plan on inviting Dino the neighbors blond male lab to come over. This will be the second time Dino has been over this heat. The first time he was a complete failure cuz he is a wimp. This time I plan on holding Ginsberg in a head lock to keep her from moving. Well on second thought I better try some kind of hold-down maneuver that does not require me to turn my back to Dino. I do not trust his intelligence as of late.
Anyway I would like to give a shout to all my friends out there in e-mail land! Thanks for the pic.s Jan! Paula try to stay alive out there it’s a dog-eat-dog world! Sofia you mamma and I are still friends. Gym, have an extra hot-dog for me while you are in the US at that spring training game while you are supposed to be working! Shane keep shoveling that snow. Ron keep the birdie pics commin'. LeMel where the hell is that blog site?!?!? Daryl those truly were amazing pic.s of holes in the ground ya sent over. Keep on using your time wisely! Joanne, I would totally be board without your am online chats! Thanks for the stimulating e-mail debates Unkie Ray but your pagan Scandinavian roots are starting to show! And yes all, Tammy will be playing the role of the harlot (la putita) in the church play! So if anybody is interested in a DVD of the play let me know.

Have a great weekend!

FeO2

So the results are in. I have just got back the responses to my last blog. They are the following:

Offy said; “….the point is this. I blame Jhonny for [my] back injury, it was his fault that I was playing footie that night a year ago, so next time you’re feeling up his arse, give it a big SLAP for me and tell him that he owes me $200 for his ping pong table that’s been ready for him for several months.”
Rusty said; “Dude “playing footie (Offy’s way of saying footsies, I guess) with Johnnie”? It just may be you who will be seeing Johnnies arse next.”

Offy’s response to the pic. was; “I thought we were going to see a pic of you administering said drugs to his other pin cushion?”
Rusty said; “Apparently I will be leaving that one for you, Big Daddy!”


Then Sofa Loaf said; “Hee-hee! You made a funny! You touched Johnnie's booty!!!”
Rusy said; “Well when you put it that way I am afraid you are right. But is this the same as touching Johnnie in his pants? Should I have myself tested?”


Sofa Loaf’s response to the Pic. was; “What a pair. Makes me want to hug myself.”
Rusty said; “Knock yourself out!”



Then LeMel said; “What the hell, Rusty, I blog at the same site you do! Do you mean to say to me that you wouldn't be able to find your own ass if I held a mirror for you? On the other hand, I haven't posted anything in a while.”
Rusty said; “I guess but I didn’t need one to find Johnnies arse! Heh-heh.”



Then Anastasias response to the pic. was; “that is a SEXY picture of you two.”

Rusty said; “FINALLY a woman with taste!!!!”

Then Anastasia said; “I had to put is as my screen saver. Its been awhile since I had seen so much hotness in one place.”

Rusty said; “Your the reason God created women! Dan is sooo lucky to have you! I take back everything I have said in the past about you! You have just redeemed your sex.”


“As a young boy when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school and be dirty and soaking wet. Well while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again!” Yet another Deep Thought frome Jack Handey.


Have a great week!

FeO2

29th of Feb. 2008 (leap year) Cursin', Spittin' an' fightin'!

I decided to take my “Deluxe Cat Flap” to a carpenter who is making me a few new doors. In doing so I requested that he incorporate in this cat door into one of the human (Homo-Saipan “Yo, I ain’t down wid dat”) doors. After I had explained what I wanted to the carpenter he gave me this strange look like “What will you sick-perverted gringos think of next. Why in the hell would you want small animals just entering your house at random”. I then sensed his discomfort using my very acute super power of intercultural sensitivity. It was at this point that I gave him my best Spanky wink to relax him and to let him know that everything was cool! But for some reason this did not seem to put the poor bastard at ease. I really do not know why this did not work as it has always worked for Spanky. Could it be that all my years in putting faith in the Little Rascals has led me astray? Naaahhh!
Speaking of the cat, I was watching her yesterday “off” a gerbil/guinea pig. It reminded me of what Dan from LA told me once that house cats are the most vicious feline killers there are. Most animals in the feline class only kill for defense or for food. But the common house cat is the only one that kills for pleasure. So I thought of this as I watched Jack the Cat torturing this poor bleeding rodent. I had to turn my head even though you would think that I would be desensitized to this type of thing after seeing John Rambo. But it is just not true. Rambo did not blast any cute rodents. He just did a bunch of evil Burmese soldiers who were already going to hell anyway. I mean what do us as humans really care about them anyway.
Speaking about human, when Tammy got home today she told me to avoid the main route into town cuz there was a truck-driver fight going on in the middle of the road. So what did I do? You right! The redneck-hillbilly part of me says “This ain't som’in’ you wanna miss out on”. Sos I goes straightway to the wrastlin’ an’ cursin’. All the way there I could see some guys named Juancho and Claudino (typical Bolivian names) dukin’ it out. I was as giddy as a school girl. You know when you go to these events that you are always supposed to cheer for the guy who looks like he is loosing. Stuff like “Getem widcha good arm Juancho!”, “ Bite-em with that loose tooth Claudino!”, and last but not least “Get up Claudino…. what are you doing Juancho, keep kicking Claudino while he is down! No not there, you fool! In the crotch or the head! You will never get anywhere that way!”

Have a great weekend!

FeO2

Feb., 15, 2008, Random book review

I just got finished reading “BORAT: Touristic Guidings to Minor Nation of U.S. and A. and Touristic Guidings to Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” by Borat Sagdiyev,. The publishing states that it is a follow up to the movie. There, of course, are lots of pictures and as you can as well imagine this made the book for me.
In his book Borat claims that Alaska is a leper colony. I hear no one arguing this one. I would even add to this and say that large parts of Utah, Idaho, and Texas are refuges for the infamous Hanson’s disease as well.
He then goes on to mention some of the great sports that are practiced in his glorious country. One was the lifting of various automotive parts with ones manly hood. This is done by tethering one end of a nylon cord to the male appendage and the other end of the chord to the desired vehicle part or accessory. We are led to believe that Borates personal record is a tractor battery. Of course it is hard to deny as there is a picture of the author with said chord dangling from what looks to be a strained little piece of white flesh being stretched about a half inch below his super tight jogging shorts all the while suspending a battery about 2 inches off the floor on the opposite end of the chord. In the picture Borat bares and extreme expression of strain. He then goes on to state that the international record in this sport is some guys name which I cannot recall (or “misremember” if your name is Roger Clemens) who lifted an entire farm tractor gear box. Hats off! There was also the endurance sport of lifting and carrying women cross country against there will but I was not that impressed by this event. Borat or Sacha Baron Cohen which is the authors real name touches on that which all cultures often typically err on. And that is “different” is not only strange but inferior. He has ludicrously turned it on one of the most powerful nations on the planet. Pure ironic genius! He mocks Americans all the while making them laugh at his perceived backward vulgarity.
Anyway after finishing Borats book I shamefully admit that I am retuning to “The Fountainhead” by Ain Rand. This is a book that I have been reading ever since my vacation in Florida with my in-laws. I have been in and out of this one quite a bit. I think I have taken breaks from Ain about 3-4 times to read other books. Perhaps what keeps bringing me back is my affinity to irony. Ain is good at this.
But what I have been most impressed about so far was not so much the book itself but my father-in-laws first comment about it when he asked me what I was reading. He said “You mean to tell me your are reading ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ain Rand. The book that starts off with ‘Howard Roark laughed. He stood naked at the edge of a cliff.’ I remember when that line was read to me back in the 60’s.” Apparently when Jack had this read to him he was a life guard and he would have his pool bunnies read to him. All the while other bunnies (not the smart one reading) would rub down his magnificent bod’ with cocoa oils and only God know what else. They would start with his bulging biceps, slide to his doubling deltoids, and then finally move on to his elongated longisimus brevis muscle (Hey look, an oxymoron in the Latin language. How many of you smarty pants out there can do this with a dead language. Yes-yes, I know I am an ox and a moron…Gym). It was amazing that he was able to rescue as many lives as he did while munching on all those grapes. But he saved the day! No one was as cool as Jack Walther at that pool. When I grow up I want to be just like him.

FeO2

Feb. 3rd 2008, Ethnic foods and why they are hell fires straight from the bowels El Diablo…and the ramblings of an insane man

Last night Tammy aroused me from what seemed to be a disturbed sleep. (As I am usually easily aroused…so I am told.) She then explained to me that I was whimpering and growling in my sleep. I must say that this is not a usual habit of mine. A’hoo, after I was awoke I lay there with lingering visions of walking down and a cold, dark, eerie, La Paz street in the middle of the night. Then all of the sudden being attacked by dozens of street urchins with sky masks on. At first they just wanted to shine my shoes but then upon finding out I was wearing my father-in-laws pink neoprene deck slippers (not shine able) violence insured. I had to start to fight them off left and right “Street Fighter” style! And to tell you the truth I was not doing too bad waving my hands around and doing my Bruce Lee “oooooOOOooooOOOoo”. But while I was in the middle of opening up a Can-o-Wup-Ass Tammy decided that I had had enough and woke me up just in the middle of my moment of glory. But then I felt the churning of the partially digested vittles of insanity from the orient!
This is the first dream that I remember since the last time I ate Indean food with my friends Gym and his wife. That last time I had actually stayed at their house to take a nap. In my fitful slumber there I dreamed that I went to hell. Like I said before, it was not all as bad as it is always chalked up to be by most western religiosity. It is like going to visit your cousins on the farm when you were fifteen and cool. First the smell kind of annoys ya then the next thing ya know you’re making out with your cousin in the hay-loft and for some reason it does not matter that she is 20 years older than you with 5 kids of her own. “Fucked up” you might say, but remember it IS hell.

FeO2

An afternoon at the matinee with short people

Yesterday marked the last full day I would be without my wife alone with the kids. Tammy has been gone to California visiting one of the MIL units (Mother in Law) as they seem to be a plethora of them around as of late.
Last Thursday my good buddy Christina took Thomas my oldest to the theater with her eldest Niko to see “The Golden Compass”. Her youngest, little Jake and my youngest, “Taddlein’ Madelyn” were both deemed to small to see the movie as they would get scared. So I became the man in charge while Christina went to see her movie while taking along her 2 excuses to get in as an adult. Of course I had absolutely no problem with this as the maid was the one who would be in charge half of the time cuz that day I got home from the office around 6:00. So when I finally did get home I had complaints of how unfair it was that the older ones got to see a longer movie than they did and that their video ended a long time ago. As if the THREE older ones started to watch their movie as soon as the door closed behind them.
The next morning when I was at the gym I looked through the papers to see if there were any other kiddie movies so I could fight the reported injustices that were delt to these poor marginalized people as I have always championed the short. So I found that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or as they say around here “Alveen y las Ardillas” was showing. Now I know what you are thinking right about now “Sure Rusty…a movie for the kids...riiight.” Well think what you must, but I will say one thing in my defense, it is a lot easier taking kids to movies that you will enjoy than taking them to stuff you have to suffer through Pokemon for example. Besides it really was the Maddy and Jakes turn. So Saturday late morning Jake, aka Jakey, aka “el Juaquo” (pronounced “whoo-ǒ-ko”, I think I am the only one who calls him this….were buds) and Maddy both 6 set off for the their part of the great South American dream, their slice of the pie if you will.
So we got the theater a half hour late and ended up buying tickets for the next function which left us with about 45 minutes to kill. We were pretty close to lunch time so I decided to take the kids to the food court. When I sat them down Maddy started to pound her little fists on the table and chant a chant which she learned from Grandpa Jack aka “Um-papa” (pronounced “oom-papa”) on our last visit to the US “Food and water-for me and my men, food and water….”which upon reception of her hamburger she had four bites and announced she was done and turned around in her seat. This would be because everybody knows that there is always much more interesting things going on behind the table chair than what is in front of it. I had to force feed her half of the sandwich.
So about fifteen minutes later we got into the theater and both kids started to demand popcorn. Hmm. They presented a good argument though and this was that they wanted it! Who can argue with that! So they got a medium to share? We all headed to the ‘’sala” where at the door both kids grabbed their booster chair (for maximum enjoyment of the cinematic arts as needed by vertically impaired people). As I sat them down by each other I fitted the popcorn cup into the cup holder between them with an ominous feeling about the immediate future. About half way through the film and a third the way through the popcorn a little leg shot forward which was about the same level as the pop corn thanks to my friend the booster seat and knocked the popcorn cup on to the floor. When I picked it up I was only able to salvage the last third and replace it to its original position. Well the smacking and chomping sounds continued as Alvin and his consortium sang on. Around about the 18th stanza I noticed both Juaquo and Maddy were now on their feet and every now and then making quick dips and bows but never staying down to long as not to miss a musical note. It was kinda like that game at Chuckie-Cheeses where gophers heads pop out of their little holes and you whack them with the padded mallet all the while learning valuable lessons of environmental conservation. Of course there was nothing to pop these kids in the head with so I just sat there and let them continue building the flora in the GI Tracts. So a good time was had by all.
Later, on the way home I had to stop by the office to pick something up. So of course both children went in with me. This was apparently little Juaquos first stop by my office so upon walking into the reception room he was dually impressed when he saw my bicycle leaning against some seats (as I often ride my bicycle to work).
Jakey said to Maddy:
“Wow! There’s a bicycle”
Maddy: “Yah, my daddy rides it when Mommy won’t let him drive”
Any way they followed me back to the consult room as children this age just do not stay put. Then Little Juaquo got this smug look on his little face and started smack his little hands together as if he was dusting them off and said “So…this is where the doctor works ay.”
The response was “Yup, when he is not singing with Alvin, Simon, and Theodore”
Which by the way is not such a bad film if you like singing gerbils.


Have a great week!

FeO2

Jan. 5, 2008 "Don’t never got no brain or nothing."

Don’t never got no brain or nothin’.

As you can see from the title of the blog this was the motto for this last holiday break which all-in-all turned out quite well. It started out with a church Christmas party in which I almost had to pull Johnnie (my secretary) out of a fist fight with the “Padre”. Apperently Johnnie is thinking that since he has been playing racquet ball with the Bishop and taking racquet ball blows to the back of the head with out complaining that he has some kind of special relationship with the powers that be. Any way I made Johnnie promise that if I bought those beers for him before the church Christmas party that he would behave. As folly would have it during the party Johnnie got his bad-ass look on his face and walked by the Padre and bumped his shoulder into the padre’s unsuspecting shoulder. The problem is that Johnnie is just way too cool.
So we also went to Florida for the actual holidays to be with the in-laws Jack and Audrey. You remember Florida is the state where the ex-president of Bolivia Gonzalo Sanchez de Lozada has been gone missin’ for a while now. Sumbitch that he is! This was very nice visit, of course, all though slightly uneventful. But there was the occasion when I got up to do my 2am feeding as often is the occasion is when I do not sleep around that time and I went to watch some TV. Well there I was watching the tube and I noticed the light get turned on in the kitchen and Jack went into the kitchen to do something. I did not really do much as I saw Jack go in and out (as I was in the middle of John Candies “Uncle Buck”) then wave “good night” as he went back to bed. Then the next morning at breakfast Jack looked at me and said “Sorry about last night.”
My response was “What are you talking about?”
“Well…the fact that I did not have any clothes on.”
“Hm, I really must start paying attention to these types of things.”
Once again I will be blaming the ADD on this one. But it does make me wonder just how much nudity I have actually missed in the past. I mean not everybody is just going to come up to me and prompt me “Hey buddy! I’m completely naked in front of you right now.” Although it would be helpful.
Then holiday travel is always a hoot! Tammy after Florida went to visit Irene her mother and I came home to Bolivia with the kids. At the airport Tammy was stressed to make her flight and American Airlines was not helping her situation. She got so mad that she started showing her teeth, saying words, and bobbing her head up and down so her hair was flying all over the place. She kinda looked like a 80s head banger. Anyway she got off on her flight on time and left us standing at the counter. So when it was my turn at the desk the woman working there sweetly told me that my flight was canceled and that if I wanted to make my international flight connection out of Miami I would have to go over land. So I grabbed the kids got a car and hugged Jack and Audrey goodbye and was off. After a trip from mid state Florida to Miami (and let me remind you that it is a long state) while driving at Hazard county speeds I still missed my international flight. So I had to re-accommodate to the midnight flight. When it was all said and done with I left for Bolivia about an hour after I was supposed to get there. I wish Tammy could have been there to head bang for me as I do not have the hair it requires.
When we finally got back to Cochabamba we were hit with the news that “Jack” the family cat had just pooped out 2 new cats! The kids were of course ecstatic. But I was just left with 2 questions in my head: A) Jack’s old enough to be having kittens? B) Jack’s a female? Damn ADD!

FeO2


I have recently heard back from some of you and I must admit that my good friend Offee (sounds like Coffee) gave me the Spinal Tap “Shit Sandwich” review.
Here is what Offee said:

Good stuff
Christmas has obviously done you good, this was a half decent blog…the recent ones have been going straight in the recycle bin!
Off white

Now that’s just nit picking isn’t it!?!
Well Offee, at least you did not say something like “On which day did God create this blog and why could he not have rested on that day as well?” or “FeO2 you are treading water in a literary sea of retarded ness!

But as always thanks for the e-mail

FeO2

18th of Dec., 2007 Beatings and Bludgeonings

Last night there was an amazing lightening storm over the city of Cochabamba. There was a sort of “Modern Day Prometheus” feeling going on. Any way while I was in my Mary Shelly mood I started thinking of one of Tammy’s family legends where her uncle Ziff was working on an oil rig somewhere in Oklahoma. Apparently Uncle Ziff was hit by two lightening bolts in the head all in one instance!. It knocked his shoes off, burned holes into his heels, and left him with a mighty erection for 24 hours. All this made him the talk of the emergency room for months after this as they could not find a sheet large enough to cover his body and his rod at the same time. They finally had to just use a tent that one of the nurses just happened to have in the trunk of her car, so the story goes. Man! If I were to get hit by lightening I would want to have my pants blown off (especially if I going to have an erection) so I could keep my high heels for the ER. This all sort of reminds me of the movie “Stand and Deliver”. You know where that Bolivian math teacher teaches all those inner city kids and Lou Diamond Philips math and they all go on to win the mathematician contest. Actually the plot has nothing to do with Uncle Ziff. The relation would be fond more in the title of the movie.
I went down to the Cancha today, the Cochabambino open air market. I really hate it down there. I call it “Heart of Darkness”. But I went looking for a rat trap big enough to get those friggin’ gerbils in my back yard. While I was sampling some of the traps one of them slammed down on my fingers. The only thing I could think of when this happened was the fact that I was making fun of a friend yesterday for shooting herself in the hand with a hot glue gun. Damn! Poetic justice blows!

So the responses that came in were in the order that follows:

Sofa said:” Serves you right!
Uncle Ziff AKA Lightning Rod sounds like a dude.”

Rusty responded: “You know I was trying to keep your identity a secret on this one but you are way to easy to flush out yo!”

Tammy said: “You know, Rusty, it´s never a good idea to mention gerbils and having your pants down in the same blog . . .”

LeMel said: “Animals and falling clothing aside, there is something electrifying about family legend, shopping, and happiness in general all being combined in the same story.”

Gym said: “Dude!

One of my all-time favorite books. (responding to quotes sent to him form “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”) Nominee for best book about the 60s. Hilarious shit. Almost as funny as Uncle Ziff. What's his full name? Zifforelli? Ziffowitz? Ziffadeedoodah?”

Rusty responded: “Ziffapopodopolis”